I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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