watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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