Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
