Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
