There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
