The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
