he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
