Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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