got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
