It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
