There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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