We're like a lot better than the average bears
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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