she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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