That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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