There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
