I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
