I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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