he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
