gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
