Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
