How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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