HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I wish I only lived at night.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
