I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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