ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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