our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
