His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
