Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
