Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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