my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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