Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
