No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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