Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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