I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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