i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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