Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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