he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
