just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
