I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
