Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
