i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
