I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I still have a little drunk in my system
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
