i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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