why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
