I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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