I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
