Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
