Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
