On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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