The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
