Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
