Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
